


Forgive me, Forget me

by Malecheart



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, One Shot, Post 3x17 Heavenly fire, Protective Alec Lightwood, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 09:19:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18407690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malecheart/pseuds/Malecheart
Summary: Set after season 3 episode 17 (Heavenly Fire) Alec seeks for Asmodeus help to get Magnus his magic back.Warning: suicidal thoughts.





	Forgive me, Forget me

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically just angst, sorry. Not sorry.

Alec felt empty.

He was so happy just a few hours ago, thinking by now he would be engaged to the love of his life, he smiled sadly at the thought.

He wasn't mad at Magnus, far from it, he was mad at himself, he kept on doing the wrong thing.

Why are relationships so complicated?

His heart broke as he remember how he spent last night, singing Magnus to sleep.

 

Magnus was sobbing, after the breakdown they both had, they were both sobbing actually.

Alec pulled away, not from his arms but just enough to look Magnus in his reddened puffy eyes.

Magnus cast his glance down but Alec immediately lifted his chin up.

"I'm so sorry. For making you feel this way." Magnus opened his mouth to interrupt but Alec didn't let him. "You can say anything you want but we both know that if it wasn't for me you still would've had your magic. And for that I'm very sorry." Alec paused as a single tear strolled down his face. "I love you, in a way I could never love anyone once more. You are unique, you are my world."

Magnus closed his eyes as tears kept falling down and let himself be surrounded by Alec's words.

Alec sat down on the couch and pulled Magnus to his lap.

Magnus laid his head across Alec's shoulder and chest and closed his eyes once again.

"I'm here for you. If you need me to kiss you, you got it, if you need to forget everything around even for a second, you know you have me. If you need to punch and kick someone let me be your punching bag. I just want to make you feel better, but I have to admit that I have not idea as to how." Alec let out as he played with some strands from Magnus' hair.

"Right now, all I need is.." Magnus pauses." is for you to hold me, and please don't let me go."

"I won't." Alec said as he felt Magnus' breathing starting to even a little bit.

"Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques,

Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?

Sonnez les matines, sonnez les matines

Ding ding dong, ding ding dong" as soon as he finished the lullaby, he expected to hear Magnus laughing actually, instead, he fell asleep.

Alec smiled to himself. He looked peaceful, but then it came back to him, that was the last thing he was.

He tried to make Magnus as comfortable as possible in his arms and closed his own eyes in an attemp to sleep.

But it didn't happen.

 

Now he was sitting in his office chair, alone, search through his books to find a way to summon Asmodeus.

Yes, he was that desperate.

Alec hated himself for the way Magnus was feeling, he felt guilty, all he ever wanted was to make this man happy, so he wasn't gonna stop until Magnus got just that.

He needed another warlock, but he couldn't call Catarina, he was too afraid she wouldn't want to go through with this plan, and even tell Magnus who would be even more unwilling to it.

But it was worth it, if he could see Magnus lit up again, it was all worth it.

So, he took the subway, walked to where all of this started, well, were it really started for him. The loft.

He knocked three times and the doors burst open.

"Well I am starting to get used to these little meetings Mr. Lightwood." Lorenzo Rey said while turning around, he was again on a robe and he held a drink in his left hand.

"Don't worry, I plan in this being the last time." Alec said with a flat tone as he walked inside.

"If you insist, but do tell, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Lorenzo sat down as he spoke.

"I need your help."

"That bit I had figured out already, if you didn't you would be here." Lorenzo took a long sip of his drink.

Alec took a deep breath and said "I want to summon Asmodeus."

Lorenzo's face actually drawn out of all color. He's features unreadable.

He got up and turned around. "You are completely delusional."

"I might be, but I'm ready to pay the price for this, so name it and its words."

Lorenzo turned around again to face Alec. "It's not even a question of price, it's dangerous Alec. This could go terribly wrong and you know it."

"I know, this is crazy but I need to do this."

Lorenzo put his drink down "I will help you, free of charge, but if this goes south, I am not responsible."

Alec promptly agreed.

They decided on doing it tonight.

Alec was about to leave, when Lorenzo's voice stopped it.

"Magnus. He's taking this worse than you expected right?"

Normally this kind of comment coming from Rey would annoy Alec to his very core, but he could sense something different in his voice, something like... S

sympathy? "

Alec turned around with his hand already on the door handle. "Much worse."

And with that he left.

He felt the tears coming back. He heard Magnus sobs again ringing in his ears. He felt physical pain just at the thought of Magnus suffering.

 

Alec was now sitting in Magnus' old apothecary, it felt so odd, being here now.

With some strange stones, Lorenzo made a pentagram in the ground, similar to the one Magnus had done when things went wrong.

Lorenzo started chanting and the portal lit up.

A dark figure started to appear.

Alec flinched at the similarities when he saw Asmodeus' face.

"Well, well, look at this, My sons most hated enemy, oh I forget that's actually me, and his boy toy. What a sight to be seen Mr. Lightwood."

"Cut the crap. You know why you're here? If haven't figured out already I'll tell you." Alec  stood up and walked to the portal, he now face to face with Asmodeus. "I want you to give Magnus his magic and immortality back."

Asmodeus started to laugh and both Alec and Lorenzo shivered at the sound.

"Why, son? Are you not happy? You've got everything. You're boyfriend, you're half and even that redhead is alive, don't you think you ask for too much sometimes?"

Asmodeus' words hurt Alec in so many ways, he felt guilty, more and more as the time passed.

"Can you do it or not?"

"On one condition, end your relationship. Break his heart to save his life."

Alec's own heart broke. "What?" was all he could say as he took a step back.

Lorenzo cast him a worried glance as if he was saying, 'you won't do this'.

But Alec just looked straight into Asmodeus eyes. "You want me to break your son's heart? What's in it for you?"

"Well that's for me to know, I won't take any other deal, so you have my price, what will you do?"

Alec glanced between Lorenzo, Asmodeus and the ground, he was shaking.

"Alec you can't seriously be considering this. You could have a life with him and now you are breaking up with him?"

"Shut your filthy mouth." Asmodeus said again in a falt tone.

Lorenzo immediately recoils and looks down, knowing better then to speak again.

"Fine. I'll do it." Alec said as he put his hands behind his back, in his trademark stance. A soldier stance.

Asmodeus grinned. "Very well, I'll be waiting."

With that he vanished.

Lorenzo met his gaze to Alec's, frightened.

"You are really going through with this?" he said as Alec started to walk back to the living room.

"What does it look like?" he turned around and went for the door.

"You are going to regret this Mr. Lightwood, this is a far too high price if what you feel is really true love."

Once again Alec stood, hand on the door handle and he only turned his head, half facing Lorenzo. "I know, but when you love someone, you set them free in order to see them happy. That's all I want for Magnus, with or without me."

Alec rushes out, its raining outside and he can't identify whats tears and what's rain, going down his face.

He hates crying. He really does. But lately, he feels like that's about what he has been doing most.

He thinks about what to say, once he is face to face with him. How he can break his heart without shattering his own, but he knows that's not possible and even if it was... He would prefer to have his heart broken rather than Magnus. Always.

He thinks about how Magnus doesn't deserve anything that is happening to him.

Since he met him, all Magnus did was help.

How he agreed to defend Izzy in court. Successfully.

How he risked his best friend's life to help Clary save her mother. And Ragnor died.

How he worked so hard to get Jace back, how he even felt guilty of something he hadn't even done, how he traded his magic, what now he was so desperately craving, just so Alec wouldn't have to feel the pain of killing his own parabatai.

And how he had helped Alec most of all.

Magnus came along in a time where Alec had already given up on dreaming, on wishing things could be other way.

At a time where Alec masked part of himself out of fear of not being enough.

Magnus just came along and made his ground tremble. In a good way.

He gave him the courage to understand that it was okay. It was okay to love whoever you love.

It was okay for him to feel this way.

He stood by Alec's side never pushing way to far.

He kept him alive when he almost died in search for his parabatai.

He was there when Alec was possessed and killed Clary's mother.

He didn't judge him for being unexperienced.

He gave him so many firsts.

He gave himself in the sake of Alec's wellbeing.

Now it was time for him to do the same.

 

He walked into his room at the institute, and smiled to himself as he heard the little snors coming out of Magnus' mouth.

He sat on the edge of the bed and took one last time just to look at him, so peaceful, so beautiful.

His knuckles ghosted the olders cheekbones.

Magnus stirred.

His eyes fluttered open and he smiled.

“Hey, why are you not in bed, holding me? " Magnus murmured with a sleepy voice.

Because I can't. He thought."I had some errands to take care of at the Institute." he said.

"You can always come back here then." Magnus said tugging at Alec's hand.

Alec took his hands away from Magnus' reach. Don't make this harder, please.

"We need to talk." Alec got up and the former warlock sat up.

"About?"

"Us."

Maguns recoiled, as if he knew what was coming. "What about us?"

Alec took a deep breath. Here we go. "You were right... When you said that I might feel differently about you.. Its not that I don't love you anymore, it's more like something is missing." he paused, wanting to kick his own ass, what was he doing? And the look on Magnus' face was what hurt the most.

Alec could see him trying to hold back his tears.

"I think it's best for the both of us if.. If we end this right here before it gets worse." There. He did it. He broke Magnus' heart, and his own.

"You.. really.. Why did you lie to me? Why did you tell me I was enough... Only to break my heart a day after? Is that what you wanted?" Magnus trailed off. He got up abruptly and slid on his loafers. 

"Why Alexander? We could do this together, you said so yourself!" Magnus was shouting by now. 

He tried to come close to Alec but the Shadowhunter was decided. 

Tears fell freely down Magnus' face and Alec fought his urge to wipe them away. To tell him everything was going to be fine, but Magnus did that by himself. 

He rushed to the door grabbing his jacket.

He stopped by the door a turned around, walked into Alec's personal space.

"I thought we were different. I thought you were..." their lips were dangerously close and without Alec even realising who broke the distance, they were kissing, a kiss that tasted salty, tasted as a goodbye would.

"I'm sorry." Alec said as soon as they broke apart, unable to stop himself.

Magnus took a step back and looked him in the eye.

“Just remember, aku cinta kamu. Goodbye Alexander. "

And with that, Alec was alone in his room, crying again, like a little boy would.

 

Magnus walked alone on a chilly rainy night, wearing Alec's tank top and sweatpants, his jacket from yesterday's dinner and his loafers. 

He had never felt so pathetic. So small. 

He was far from the Institute by now, he only realised then, that his feet had led him to Brooklyn's Bridge. Just like the old days he thought. 

He sat by the ledge and watched the water beneath him, it was calming. 

He never liked rivers but right now, he almost felt hypnotised. 

He wanted to feel this calm too. 

He wanted to stop the pain. 

He had nothing worth fighting for anymore. Everyone was good with or without him. Madzie had Catarina, Clary had Jace.. And Alec.. Alec didn't need him anymore so why stay here? 

Why keep on living like this if he could put an end to it all? An end to his misery. 

He let himself go. 

He felt the rush of the wind on his face but he never felt the water. 

He felt himself being pulled back. 

Suddenly he was face to face with the glowing cat eyes he knew all too well. 

"My dear boy." his father said. 

Magnus didn't respond. He just leaned into his arms and let himself being taken away. 

"I'm going to take care of you. You're okay now." 

A portal appeared on the ground, big flames around as they went back to edom. This time Magnus didn't scream, this time he didn't care. 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it.  
> Leave a comment to tell me your thoughts on it.  
> xo


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